How to Avoid Alienating Potential Readers with Unrealistic Characters
by Barb-Lien Cooper
(Barb Lien-Cooper is co-author of (among other things) the prose novel THE TALKING CURE: A NOVEL OF MAGIC AND PSYCHIATRY, available starting August 31st, 2022)
As a child, I had a difficult time finding anything I wanted to read. I ended up reading a lot of fairy tales, folk tales, and horror collections for children, and then, when I was ten years old or so, I gave up on kids’ books and started reading books for adults. Here’s why I hated kids’ books: every child character was some sort of brilliant junior detective. Every child solved mysteries that adult police detectives couldn’t solve. Kid detectives were discovering treasures, finding criminals that were hiding out somewhere, solving jewel/bank robberies, and rescuing kidnapped kids/adults. I said to myself, “What are the odds that some mere kid is going to find that many crimes to solve?”
It also irritated me that these kids were so perfect. They got perfect grades, they were always respectful to their elders, and they were always model citizens (except when they were solving a case; then they bent rules aplenty). Frankly, I thought that those kids were—to reference the old cartoon “Codename: Kids Next Door”—“the delightful children from down the lane.” God, I hated every last one of them, except for Encyclopedia Brown—at least, he was an egotistical little snot instead of one of the “delightful children.” Besides, Encyclopedia Brown never solved a jewel robbery, as far as I recall—he was always finding missing fountain pens and so on. I would never have the opportunity to solve a major crime, but I figured I could find a fountain pen, if I had to do so.
In short, I could not suspend my disbelief. Without suspension of disbelief, I couldn’t enjoy the stories.
As an adult, I find the same problem, but dressed up differently. I read supernatural fiction a lot and occasionally try watching TV shows and movies about the supernatural. Yet, so many times, I just throw the book to the side or turn off my television.
I am a picky audience member. I will abandon your book if you don’t make me believe that your characters are real.
Reasons I abandon people’s characters, and by extension, their work (especially genre work):
1/ Problem: The names of the characters are unrealistic. Not long ago, I wrote a story about a fledgling seventeen-year-old author who named her characters “Dagmar and Dimitri D’Evil,” to show what an author shouldn’t do with character names. Character names should be distinct, but not so much so that you could never encounter a name like that in real life. If the audience hates your character names, they certainly won’t want to be with those characters throughout a story, let alone a 400-page book.
2/Problem: The characters are overpowered. When a character has too much power, the only antagonists that character can go up against are also overpowered. The less powered a character is, the more challenges that character must face. The smaller the powers, the more the character has to use their brains. They can’t just magic their way out of a problem. The less powered a character is, the more intimate and engaging a story can be.
3/Problem: I run from chosen ones. When someone’s a chosen one, the author makes the other characters constantly compliment and praise the chosen one. I don’t want to be forced to feel something about a character; I want to decide for themselves how I feel about that protagonist.
4/Problem: Lack of nuance to characters. Since I am not a perfect person, I cannot identify with paragons of virtue. Similarly, I am not a bad person, so I also can’t identify with purely evil characters. I also can’t stand characters that are likeable, but lack two facets to rub together. I would rather read about a flawed, imperfect character capable of good actions than someone who always does the right thing.
5/Problem: Characters that do stupid things just to move the plot along. If your plot requires your character to do something that the audience is too smart to do, then you have to change your plot. Or, just as frustrating, characters that change character alignment just to move the plot along. I call this the end of “Games of Thrones” problem. Seriously, you will just make your audience angry if you betray them that way.
6/Problem: If your characters do not have (realistic) backstories. We as people are our histories. Yet I sometimes hear writers and agents put down backstory as being boring. If it’s the right backstory, you have richer, more fascinating, more compelling characters.
7/Problem: I hate characters that are just exposition machines. I see this a lot of television shows especially. Cop shows and superhero shows seem to have characters that are just there to deliver information instead of to be characters.
8/Problem: The author can’t write dialog. Some authors don’t understand that every line of dialog in a book is an opportunity to make me like a character more. Don’t write flat, cliched dialog. In real life, we only get to know other people by what they say and do, or by what other people say about those people or how they act toward those people. It’s the same way with stories. In real life, if I meet someone who speaks in a bunch of clichés or never says anything interesting, I can’t relate to that person. If I read a character who speaks in clichés and never says a single thing that’s interesting, I do not finish the book.
9/Problem: I get annoyed at supporting character that have no purpose but to be exposited at. I call this the “Amazing, Holmes” problem. There are some Sherlock Holmes stories where only reason Dr. Watson is in in the story is so Holmes can be brilliant, Watson can hear how the case was solved, Watson can say “Amazing, Holmes!” and Holmes can spout a catch phrase at Watson. Don’t make your supporting characters into Watsons. Let them have important roles to play in your work. Let them sometimes get the praise and the spotlight.
10/Problem: The protagonists don’t have realistic motivations, nor do the antagonists. I especially hate when the villains don’t have realistic motivations or plans. From the Penguin in Batman comics to Voldemort in the Harry Potter books, I scratch my head sometimes concerning their plans. Yes, they want power, but why would they choose that path to get said power? What will they do with said power, once they get it? There might be a good answer, but it's never really explained exactly.
I could go on and on, but you get the idea.
It’s fine if you write characters
that I like, but better yet, make me understand your
characters.
Or, best of all:
Make me fascinated by
your characters. If I’m fascinated by your characters, I’ll follow you anywhere.
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Book Trailer https://youtu.be/Ya9_0eCMrzw
Excerpt
“You’re really going to make me do magic, aren’t you?”
“Yes. I can’t believe your story otherwise.”
He reached out to some fresh roses that were in a vase on my desk. “Watch,” he said.
No magical energy came from his fingers, and nothing felt or looked any different. He was just... touching them. But he looked at me as if he’d done something. “...You didn’t do anything,” I said.
“Touch the petals.”
As I reluctantly reached out to the petals he’d been touching, his fingers, drawing away, touched my hand. “C’mon, they won’t bite you,” he said. Then he reached out again, and guided my hand across the petals of the flower.
The roses had been real that morning—I’d put them in fresh water.
But now they were fake flowers, made of silk. “You have nice hands,” he said.
I took back my hand. “What did you do to my flowers?”
“Magic,” he said.
“Slight-of-hand magic, you mean. You could have just distracted me...”
Zach sighed and raised his hand, showing me his palm, the fingers splayed out like he was about to start pointing to it and lecturing me about palm-reading. Then he lowered it down until his hand was laid out flat on my desk. I watched his hand lower, then I watched it sit there, waiting for something to happen. His hand didn’t move... nothing seemed to move... though there was some slight change I couldn’t put my finger on.
After a few seconds, I looked more closely around his hand at the desktop. The top of the desk was transparent.
My desk had been made of wood. Now, however, the entire desk was made of glass.
It was still exactly the same shape. It was at least the same weight, since it didn’t budge when I pushed at it.
I pulled out a drawer. A glass drawer slid out, on metal wheels turning on metal rails screwed into the glass by metal screws. I hadn’t really needed to pull out the drawer—I could already see, somewhat, what was inside: regular-old, boring white envelopes, some staples, paperclips, pens.
All faintly visible through see-through glass, glass with a woody brown tint to it... and a sort of vague wood grain set into it somehow...
“Don’t worry, it’ll only last a few hours, then it’ll change back to wood,” Cutter assured me.
What. In the world.
I stared at him for almost half a minute. He looked at me patiently. It was as if we were trying to “read” each other, trying to figure out... I don’t know. Each other, I guess.
I looked away first. “I’m sorry, Zach, but you’re not a client of mine yet... I can’t... until I get to know you... I don’t just give out sleeping pills... I’m sure other doctors might, but...”
“I don’t want another doctor. I want you, Cynthia.”
Great. The first handsome, smart guy I’d met in a while, and not only did he have to be a potential client, he was some sort of... magician...? “I’m not sure that would be...” I said, “I mean...” On top of everything else, I found that I was blushing.
“What if I told you that...well, uh... I actually... it’s not just sleeping pills... seriously, I do have some real problems...”
“What sort of problems...?”
“...Repressed memories.”
“Oh? When did that start?”
He smiled weakly. “After Celeste died. The time right before that is very fuzzy. And the time right after that is pretty much lost to me. I lost months... probably a lot more time than that.” He glanced at a clock on the wall and grinned a winning smile. “But I imagine my time’s up for today...”
“Yes, I suppose it is...”
“Unless you’d like to go out to dinner with me...?”
“Mr. Cutter, if you’re to be my client, I can’t... we can’t meet socially...”
“I’ve always liked women who have a bit of an authoritarian side to them...”
I took out my appointment book. “Let’s get you an appointment for next time. I don’t really appreciate walk-ins, and...”
“—Argh, I hate sticking to appointments. Being a magician isn’t exactly a 9-to-5 job...”
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